Games At Home

So the games in these Corona Lockdown times involve food that's no longer available, or is rare.

My daughter is right now devising games that are helping her tide these difficult times. She is at one moment a pizza shopkeeper, while at another moment she is an ice cream shop owner.

My area, although not completely under curfew, is facing shortage of fast food, biscuits, cakes, wafers, and every thing that kids would want to have.

But it is commendable that this young girl is holding her fort in these times. Although she keeps asking for these things, she recognises the fact that there really is nothing available. She is quick to quieten and wait for lunch or dinner time to quench her hunger.

Her dad found a pack of six cupcakes a week back and she is saving one for her birthday for tomorrow, because she knows that there won't be a big birthday with a big, nice cake tomorrow. (I have ordered one though from a society lady, which will be a surprise for her!)

And so here we are surviving on her game. In her latest game, she was dreaming for better days with her shop advertising loudly "भरपूर खाणं आणि भरपूर things असलेलं शॉप!"

Hoping for better days soon!

Revisions

Exams are on and my days end with revisions. Not for my little one who's taking her mid-terms! The revision is for me.

My little one has agreed to do revisions with me on the condition that I do all her study again after she is done with her revision. So here I am, dreading the revision, not because I am afraid of the little teacher, but for different reasons altogether!

Here's an example:

My work is on the right!

Writing in a four-line pattern is not a joke now. With my fingers that are used to computer typing and not holding a pen, forget even a pencil, it is such a task to make the fingers move to write in a legible handwriting. My little teacher is very strict about not writing beyond the top and bottom red lines.

Whenever I get such a revision, I am reminded of the lengthy answers that I had to write, including the English, Hindi, and Marathi essays in school.

I also need to remember to (deliberately) make mistakes so that my teacher can correct me. The teacher is also very clever. She sometimes dictates the wrong words and "corrects" those in my notebook!

But my teacher is also very generous! If I so much as make a crying face, she will immediately give me a couple of more stars with an Excellent! remark even when I don't deserve it! Such a wonderful teacher indeed!

So the next time you sit down with your kids for revisions, do send a "Good Luck" to me too!

का?

महिकाचे 'का' प्रश्न सुरु झालेत. इतके की कधी कधी आपल्याकडेपण उत्तर नसतं त्यांचं.

काल रात्री महिका आणि तिच्या बाबाचं 'Knowledge sharing session' चालू होतं. काय काय प्रश्न विचारले तिने बाबाला!

पहिला वाहिला प्रश्न: "बाबा, आपण जेवण का करतो आणि पाणी का पितो?"

किती 'basic' प्रश्न झाला! पण तिच्या बाबाने खूपच छान उत्तर दिले. तिला कळेल आणि पटेल अश्या भाषेत. त्या नंतर तर प्रश्नांचा भडीमार होता. हर एक प्रश्न वेगवेगळा.

"बाबा animals आपल्या बरोबर घरात का नाही राहत, जंगलात का राहतात?"

"बाबा आपण newspaper का वाचतो?"

"आपण घरात का राहतो?"

"सिग्नल का असतात?"

"आपण खुर्चीवर का बसतो?" (How cute and funny!!)

"How shall we make a cake?"

"How shall we make a tomato?"

"How shall we make bhaji and roti?"

रात्री सगळे प्रश्न संपले नाहीत की काय म्हणून सकाळ-सकाळी उठल्या-उठल्या मला एक-दोन प्रश्न:

"आया, आता तू सांग. आपण घड्याळ का घालतो?"

"झाडाला फुलं का असतात?"

हे सर्व प्रश्न ऐकून त्यांना समर्पक उत्तरं द्यायची ही आपली जवाबदारी.

पण खरं तर ह्यातून हेच दिसतं की ही लहान मंडळी किती वेगवेगळ्या गोष्टींचा विचार करत असतात आणि किती कुतूहल असतं त्यांना!

लहानग्यांचे भावविश्व, विचारसरणी, आणि imagination हे असेच विस्मयकारक असो! कायम असे प्रश्न सुचो आणि उत्तरं पण मिळो हीच मुलांना शुभेच्छा!

लहानपणची निरागसता आणि curiosity आपण मोठे होताना का बरं हरवून जाते? 

Letting Bygones Be Bygones

In a budding relationship, with all the trust, love, and faith you have in the other person, it is necessary to let bygones be bygones.

Whether you are in office, with acquaintances, with your family and loved ones, you cannot build on hostile feelings. You need to sit back one day and try and understand what is really holding you up.

When in office, you may come across some of your colleagues with whom you are not comfortable. Yet you need to work along with them. Sometimes, it is much easy to ignore the little quirks that may irritate you as long as the work is done. You can easily do that, because after all, it's for a short time that you are together with that person.

Eventually, you get used to the person and the whims and fancies. You come to accept the person as he or she is until your work is getting done and until that person is not a real hindrance to your job, position, and progress. If someone is a hindrance, dealing with that person is an entirely different story.

But on a personal level, what do you do? When a person irritates you, gets on your nerves, and does not let you be, what can you do?

Sometimes, it's best to ignore. But, it certainly is not easy to ignore and let go. Then at times, you don't know how to deal with a person who cannot understand you, is really self-centered, doesn't give you the required space, cannot understand your point of view, is obstinate, and has entirely different goals.

That's the time when you sit down and make each other understand what the goals are. The short-term goals and the long-term ones too. It is time to sit down and clarify things, make each other understand what you like, what you don't.

Mind you, it's not easy to see through somebody else's point of view. Most of the times, the person who has felt dejected, unloved, and lonely will feel themselves to be martyrs. And for you, that person may seem to be the culprit for all the wrong things that have happened.

You wouldn't be able to forget the smaller fights, the real big fights, and the hurt that has been caused because of being headstrong, stubborn, and unhelpful.

That's when you need to keep patience. Handle each situation very, very delicately. Put forth your points, your ideas in a way that will help the other person see your perspective. The other person may not believe in your perspective, but will at least understand that, finally, that is what your feel. And the most important factor in all this is not to keep reminding oneself of all the fights and hurt in the past. For some time at least, you must keep them away. Keep them on the back burner.

You may want to pick on them again when the issues at hand are resolved. But it is extremely important that at the time when you are trying to patch up things, you let bygones be bygones. Slowly and surely, the soreness, the feeling of being hurt and unhappy fades away. A real understanding between each other develops. That's when peace will return!

Growing Up

What does it take to have a better life? Love, friends, family, work, peace of mind, happiness, safety and security, togetherness, understanding partner, overall stability, people who treat you well and never let your down?

I think all this together. Man is a rather selfish animal. Apart from food, water, sleep, and physical well-being, there are so many more things that man requires to survive. We need love and acceptance from our partner, friends, colleagues, relatives, acquaintances. That's one of the most important requirements apart from the basic needs. If that's not fulfilled, if you are not accepted as you are, as the person that you are, you will always be dissatisfied, frustrated, and driven to craziness.

As you move upwards in life, you grow. People around you grow and change. You metamorphose into someone that you never thought of as you started your journey. A simple example is how you are at the start of your career. Ten years down the line, when you sit back and look back at the time that's gone past, would you say you had foreseen yourself there where you are? Very few can. Very few have such chalked out careers. But all will certainly have matured over those years. Each one would have learnt so much and experienced so much that you would definitely agree that you are someone who was not so ten years before.

Today when I was chatting with a very good friend, I was talking about what I was when I started my career. I was so naive, so untamed, so untrained. I was so coarse. Today, after eight years, I know I have grown. I have experienced different types of people and learnt to deal with them. I have learnt so much technically, something that I never could have thought of eight years back. And I am so much more confident today.

I always remember Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth remains unfazed by the pomposity and grandeur of Lady Catherine's home and person. A few years back, I used to feel diminished even thinking of facing and interacting with highly technical people, developers, and engineers. I used to feel that I would never be able to face them because of my lack of technical knowledge. But today, like Elizabeth, I feel unfazed. I can meet them with an equanimity which has come with experience and learning. And I am happy about it.

Growing up also includes an important aspect of knowing what you don't know. Realising what you are not good at and striving to achieve an acceptable level of knowledge in that.

I had attended a training in April in which I learnt to eat the ugliest frog first. In simple terms, it means that if there's something that you find the hardest to do, you should always do that first. Get that out of the door and the work will become much lighter. In some ways, I've started using that in my work as well as personal life. It's working too. :)

That's how things are currently. I am growing and I am happy.

Changing Times

Times are changing, things are changing, people are changing.

One of my closest friend recently got married and has moved to a different city. I didn't realise the big change it would be. Not just for her, but also for me. She was always there for us all. Now she has started her new life and I am surely happy for her. But that is what it is...circumstances are changing.

What was taken for granted earlier isn't there anymore. You have to adapt to it and change yourself too.

My parents moved to a new house. That's a big change indeed. They are still trying to settle in. The house is beautiful, comfortable, and very conveniently located. It also has car parking (which really is a boon.) Surprisingly, we all have adjusted to the new house quite quickly. Fortunately it's in the same locality so not much change with regards to the maids, newspaper boy, or doodhwala. Nevertheless, it's a change. It's a good change.

At work, a release is just over and we are moving towards a November release. But before we start working on that, we are doing new things with new additional team members, and with new technology. I am responsible for an entire new project along with existing tasks. Exciting times ahead.

Changing times indeed!

Chai Time Musings

It's 5 PM and a weekday. In office, after a long-drawn meeting, you decide to take a cup of tea. Because your friends had already been earlier for tea, you are left alone. A cup tea all by yourself is always welcome. Gives you time to relax and contemplate.

And so I walked into the canteen, got a cup of tea and some snacks. I tried getting a good spot at the "balcony," but the best ones were occupied. After around 5 minutes, one of the tables became vacant and I quickly moved on to sit at the balcony.

My office canteen is an open area on the first floor overlooking a road. Across the road as I had mentioned in an earlier post, the Yerwada Jail fields are spread out. There are around four-five two seater tables arranged just at the canteen railing. These are really good for a quick chai and a quick dekko.

The road has been newly constructed. Earlier it was a dusty road, bumpy all over the place. Now it's transformed into a tar road and got a character of its own.

As I sat having my tea, I could see so many things happening around me. People in the canteen were enjoying their break from work. The food caterers were busying serving. A few people were having "chai-time meetings."

What intrigued me most was the road below. Earlier when it was a dusty road, hardly anyone walked by. But now, although not a main thoroughfare, there were a lot of people walking by, going for their work, teenagers talking loudly, gossiping, and laughing away to glory. Some bikers zoomed past on the smooth road. And I watched it all.

It felt as if I was standing still in the vast ocean of activity and life was happening and passing by. I felt as if I was the only stationary object for whom time had stopped. It was a kind of strange feeling. I suppose it's exactly how old ajobas and ajjis feel when they sit at their windows watching people walk by.

My own ajji had her house in one of the busiest places in Pune, right in the centre of the city. We all cousins used to fight for the coveted place in the small window that opened out to the main road. I remember  looking at the people working, talking, walking past, loitering, fighting, travelling. People going on with their lives and we mute spectators. It was like a bird's eye view. It was how God would look at the going-ons in this world, except that it was not at all our creation. Things just happened and we were the by-standers watching and observing. Never playing a part in it.

All ajjis and ajobas would be feeling the same I guess. They must be contemplating on how life has been for them, what future they have in store, what problems they faced, and how they overcame them. What life really was for them. Waiting and watching!

That's what perhaps I will be doing 30 more years down the line. Who knows! I will be one of those ajjis in the window up there, looking down at the fast world around me, thinking of my own life gone by. While everybody then would be in the fast lane, going at a speed of 80 km/h, I would be ruminating at my life in the slowest and farthest lane, going at a constant speed of 30 km/h.

The destination would be in my sight, but no deadline of reaching it!

All For Money

The other day, I had to submit some papers for insurance claims. And I made everybody work for it. In the run to submit the papers, I fretted over small things, got frustrated, made other people work for me, and ultimately felt bad about it all.

The story goes like this...My Baba was admitted to the hospital a month back due to undiagnosed fever and drug reaction. He was in the hospital for eight days. He is now fully recovered and in excellent health. Because I have paid the premium for the insurance under which he is covered, I thought of claiming the hospital bill.

I duly downloaded the form and got it filled from hospital authorities. Then I immersed myself in work, gave reasons that I had no time to call, or complete other formalities to submit the claims, and delayed the submission.

In the first week of March, I thought of calling the insurance helpline to cross-check if I had got all documents. That's when I realised a couple of things. To start with, I had filled up the wrong form. Secondly, the end date of submission was 30 days from discharge. And I was already on day 26 from discharge.

Now started the run against time! The same evening, I took a printout of the correct form and left early from office to visit the hospital to get the new form filled. As luck would have it, the TPA section had closed early that evening and I returned empty handed. That also triggered the chain of making others work for me.

I handed the form to Aai to submit it to the hospital authorities the next morning. She also had the additional task of coaxing them to fill up another form when they had already filled one before.

Fortunately, the hospital authorities filled up the form without delay and I got it back the same evening when it was submitted. To fetch the form from the hospital, Aai had sent one of her office staff.

By the time I got the form, I realised that I also had to photocopy all the medical reports. The documents had to be couriered to Bangalore the same day. I couldn't locate the Blue Dart office near my office and asked Aai to show it to me.

Just opposite the Blue Dart office, I could find a photocopier, who was copying a lot of documents for two customers who were there before me. I fretted over the lost time as I waited for my turn. Finally as I got my copies, the Blue Dart office was about to close. We stepped in and they closed down the shutters.

We finally did manage to send out the courier by 8 PM that day.

But I felt quite sad after all that. I had made a lot of people work for me to submit those docs. Especially when I had wasted time initially and not downloaded the correct form.

Was the money really worth the tension and frustration that I faced that day?

Just One Incident

It takes just one incident to know what you want to do ahead, how you want to deal with things, what path you want to take ahead. It all boils down to that one single moment of truth when realisation dawns on you. One single moment in which things fall apart. One single moment when things start making sense. One single moment that helps you take a decision.

Nothing more, nothing less. One incident can shape your life.

Time Is Flying

Another year gone by. Another year old am I. Another 364 days to wait for that one day! It sounds childish. But it is fun to have birthdays, especially when people remember them and make them special for you. But time flies. One day you find yourself an year younger, while just an angle change of the clock hand, and you suddenly find yourself an year older, on the other side of the twenties, thirties, forties, and so on. You realise that you've suddenly become old!

Time does fly!

Another Diwali will be gone and another year will be gone. Some things will change, some will stay the same. Lots of people will change and still others will be the same for you! New people will come in your life and the old ones will fade away.

In all this, life will move on. There's no stopping. You'll make mistakes, you'll be rewarded. You'll be idle, you'll be busy! You'll be happy, you'll be sad. You'll be lonely, you'll be among company. In all this, time will not stop!

Keep moving!

Another Award

...yes, I got another award in office yesterday as an appreciation and recognition of work that I did in the last release.

The last release that happened in the end of July was a real big release, and I had absolutely slogged out for that. I was handling three products, three writers, interacting with numerous, numerous people, and overall handling complicated information.

Out of the three products, the one that I was supposed to only manage was the one in which I ended up writing too. It was being handled by a novice writer, and ultimately I had to review and almost rewrite everything that the writer had done. It was a learning experience for me. It taught me patience and working in pressured environment. I learnt the lesson that for novice writers, I need to adopt a different strategy.

The second product was again being written by a junior writer. I spent a lot of time again in making the writer understand the mistakes, only to find the same mistakes being committed again and again. By the time I could again help the writer understand the fine nuances of writing, I had to concentrate on the third product, which was going to be the toughest of all.

I learnt a valuable lesson while handling the second product. I learnt that how much ever you try to be at all places every time, you cannot. How much ever you try to do all things on your own, you cannot. How much ever you try to make people do things perfectly, they will not. Because, they will do it only as per their capacity.

And finally, that you have to let go. You simply cannot do all the things, all the time, all the way. You have to stop yourself and not stretch. You have to let go and understand that you cannot be there all the time, and that you are not responsible if people do not do work as you want them to do.

The toughest was the third product. Information was hard to come by, and when it came, it came in hordes. Multiple people commenting on existing information in the documents, providing new information that had to be added, requesting to delete some information, requesting for a fourth or fifth review of the updated information. It was crazy! But there was method in all this madness.

I could handle it because I had learnt how it was to handle the third product from the last time. I had faced similar people and similar sources of information in the last release. I was prepared for it. The good part was that people had started trusting me with the documentation for that product and readily helped me.

There were days when I was struggling with my information. At times, I was at loss to understand where to start. For some information, I couldn't see when the reviews and comments would stop coming. A week before closing the docs, I was done with most of the documentation. However, with my past experience, I knew that there was one block of information that was still pending from a team.

That's what exactly happened. It was crazy handling the complex information. But I could do it and get the reviews too. It was a mammoth task of interacting with so many people and getting information from them.

But I have learnt so much from this. I have actually seen myself grow as a writer, as a senior person in a team, and moving on to handle bigger things. I really, really love my work here.

During this last release, it was only once that I was off my rocker when I was facing issues on my personal front and when there was  just too much of information to handle at work. But then, all my colleagues helped me and supported me. My manager especially knew how hard I was working and asked me to take a week off when the release was over.

I have really been lucky. I thank God for giving me opportunities to perform, to excel, to help me grow, and to test my mettle. And I thank Him for putting me in a set of people that support me, understand me, and help me grow!

To Babai

Babai in a pensive mood

Dearest Babai, who is right now not as healthy as she used to be. It is heart-wrenching to see her like that.

Babai, my Aai's Aai, has always been this one strong woman, who has never ever bowed down. To see her in the bed all the time, too weak to talk is very disturbing.

When me and my sister were kids, we used to stay at my grandmom's place after our school. We used to be dropped by our rickshaw-wale kaka in the afternoon, and stayed there till evening, when Baba used to come to pick us up.

Those were magical days! Babai and Kaka (my Ajoba) used to stay at Prabhat Talkies, literally in the heart of Pune city. They had a two-room home that housed so many people at a time. We used to have all our cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, all together under one roof. But the house always seemed enough for all.

Babai was almost the head of the house, taking care of the kitchen, the kids, the grocery, everything around. She was a solid support for my Mami who continued working as a nurse. My cousin, my sister, and I used to spend afternoons together after school. We used to fight during lunch for the place closest to Kaka. We used to fight again for the afternoon siesta for a place closest to Babai. She would pacify us saying that she had long hands and would reach up to all.

She was the one who taught us to read time. She had this old, broken-down clock that she used to tune and change the hour and minute hands, and then ask us to guess the time. I can never forget that red-faced clock and those "timely" hours spent in the balcony.

Babai had always been strong, at times very, very headstrong, to the point of being irritating. She always gloried in the work that she did, the contacts she maintained in her big family, be it on her own side, or her husband's side. Everyone in the family used to respect her, love her, and never forgot what she had done for them. And she really did do everything possible for everyone. No one left her threshold unsatisfied. She was there for everyone, a lighthouse, a beacon, a solid wall of support.

She had her flaws. She was too headstrong. She had been too much in the limelight, too much in the power to give up easily. She always wanted things her way. She has had a tremendous ego. But all in all, she never bowed down, never gave up.

Today, when I see her in the hospital, I can only remember how she was once upon a time. She is diminished, faded, and tired. After 85 years of being headstrong, it is hard to see her bowed down due to her age. She is slowly losing against time.

We all love you, Babai! Just one more loving request we make of you...do not go away by losing away to life. Fight back! Be your own self! Be the iron lady you have been! Make your final exit on your own terms. Not by simply fading away!

Behind The Wall

My office is very close to the jail. The office canteen overlooks a wide patch of land where all women convicts toil hard in the day. As the days have passed, the brown, coarse patch has turned into a green, lively field.

Everyday is a new day to observe these women in the field. When we moved to this new facility, it was a novel place for us all. We were overjoyed to see the vast fields before us and the open skies. We moved in the winter months and were glad to sit in the weak, winter sun and get some sun-bath. The early morning ritual of a hot cup of chai in the sun to warm ourselves was coupled with the gazing and observing of the fields before us.

As winter gave way to summer, the oppressive heat became unbearable. We tried to avoid the open canteen and remain inside in the air conditioning. Even as we had to go to the canteen for our lunch, we grumbled about the brutal heat waves that made it impossible to sit there. Only as the afternoon waned, we stepped into the canteen for a cup of evening chai.

Rains have come very late this season. Long, dry summer was very adamant and troubled everyone with its dry winds and insufferable heat. Finally as the rains have arrived, a fresh breath of life has been given to all. Everyone has also given a sigh of relief that the water situation for the entire city will improve.

During all this time, with the changing landscape, the fields and the workers have been constant. In the harsh summer afternoon, we could see them under the trees. All ladies in green saris toiling hard in the heat. As monsoon approached, they started tilling the fields and then waiting for rains. Two months into the rainy season, their fields have blossomed into green vegetables, and other produce that they will sell.

Every day, for me it is a kind of a routine to look out at the fields and see the convicts working. Sometimes, it is hard to believe that all those ladies working in those fields are convicts. The tremendous efforts that they put into their work is a truly extraordinary.

Perhaps some of them could have been convicted for petty crimes, some might have done gruesome crimes, while a few could also have been convicted wrongly. But they all have the same routine now, same lifestyle. A few could have been from rich families, while others from poor families. But in the world behind that big wall, they just are all the same. Neither poor, nor rich; neither educated, nor coarse, just plain criminals who are all on an equal level.

Or so it seems! Inside the walls, what happens one wouldn't know. There would be a hierarchy even among the hardest of the criminals. They might perhaps still be bullying some weaklings in the group. Perhaps only before the wardens they behave themselves while without a watchful eye, they go back to being the ruffians that they are thought to be.

Each one of them would have a story to tell. Of why and how they landed up in the jail. How they have their families behind them, how their kids might be surviving without them. It must be difficult for them to be without their kids and families.

I always wonder what each one of them must be thinking of when they are serving their sentences. Do they feel ashamed of what they did? Do they feel good that they did what was right? Do they feel stuck in that little world behind the big wall? Some of them could be waiting for the end of their sentences so that they go out and lead a better life. They have perhaps learnt from their mistakes and during their time in the prison, they have come to understand what life really is.

All in all, for me it is an everyday experience of seeing the ladies toiling in the fields and doing something that not all could boast of in an urban landscape. But then, they also have done something that not all would normally do.

Being Lucky

After a long time, I have got the time to blog. And now, I cannot think of anything to write about. There were so many things that I wanted to write about when I was working hard and had no time to write. But now, I can recall nothing that I want to write about.

So, I am just going to write here whatever random thoughts come to my mind.

Today, when I checked my office mails, I found appreciation mails from all my senior members. Not just my team, but also the senior manager of two of the products that I was working on. And also an appreciation mail from VP Engineering. I was happily surprised. I am glad that my work has been recognised and appreciated.

Whenever I think back on what all I have been working on, the opportunities I got here in my present job, the experience on all different fronts, be it writing, handling people, overall industry experience, I just feel I have been so lucky. Two and half years back when I was ready to work again after a break of two and half months, I had two choices. The other company was more famous. But I somehow went for this one, because my previous manager was here. And somehow, at that time, it made sense. In what way, and how, I don't know. But at that time, it just seemed to be the right choice. And boy! It really has been the right choice.

I have been really lucky to get a great team lead and manager. They have helped me grow and learn so much. Some years before, I might have thought that I had lost some good chances of promotion. But today, I don't feel that at all. I know that my experience today has been useful for me to get to the position that I am today. Posts and designations never mattered a lot. Of course, I am not a saint. So, when people who were junior to me got promoted, I used to get jealous, only a bit. But today, I am happy at what I am doing and where I am. I am proud to say that I have not got an undeserved promotion. I have really worked hard over these two years. I love the work that I am doing here.

The best part is that when I say that I have an experience of seven years, I feel I have gained knowledge equivalent to the number of years and designation that I have. It's not the feeling that I used to get when I was interviewing candidates to hire them. I found them all having an experience of more than 3-4 years. But if you really questioned them about the kind of work they had done, they couldn't really stand up to the designation they had. I am glad that promotions have come in at the right time for me. Not the kind of higher designations handed out to candidates just to retain them in the company.

I have had very rigorous 4-5 months. I just completed a release on Wednesday and have taken these two days off. I am really enjoying these two days off. But believe me, I am more than willing to go back to work on Monday and start something new. It really makes me happy.

I only want to wish the same good luck to everybody of my colleagues. It has been great with them, and surely I wouldn't have achieved this success without each one of them. Thank you all!

Doing Those Things

I have again started following a couple of Marathi TV serials that are there on air. I like them. Both these, I wish I can follow everyday. But I know that is never going to happen. Firstly, I don't get to watch what I want on TV when I am home. And secondly, we usually don't reach home by the time the serials are shown. But both serials are good: उंच माझा झोका and एका लग्नाची दुसरी गोष्ट.

Both deal with different subjects, both are directed well, and the most important point is that they are not about the fighting, conniving, saas-bahu stupid themes.

Apart from that, I am also reading different types of books. If I am reading fiction at a point, I complete it and move on to something like autobiography or philosophy, or facts and mythology, or even something as simple as children's book. It's exciting.

And one thing I have done plenty is thinking, thinking, thinking. Speculating, rethinking, regarding, judging,  doubting, understanding, surmising, supposing, recalling, grasping, fathoming, realizing, theorizing, suspecting, concluding, hoping, awaiting, assuming, and getting exhausting doing all this.

That's how life is at the moment! 

Moving On

It's as difficult or as easy as you make it. Depends on how much you really want to move on. Be it in a job, be it on a personal front.

In a job, there could be several reasons for your moving out. One of the major reasons is that your lead or manager have been incapable of giving you the due and appreciating your hard work. When that happens, moving on is easier. Perhaps, it's difficult to leave behind your colleagues who have been very supportive throughout your tenure in that job. But after all, if you have no growth, you will find it easier to step out.

If money is the reason, then nothing easier than getting out. You are really not bothered about your friends or colleagues. Because, you can be in touch with them even after you are out of the company.

If it is because of some personal reason, it is kind of easier to get out. You know you have to take that step because there is no other option. Of course you'll miss your work there, the environment, friends, colleagues, atmosphere...everything. But all said and done, you have to move on. And that makes it easier to release all things bound to you for so long in that workplace.

But on a personal front...

Reasons are numerous, probably resolutions too. But if you are planning to move on from one phase to the other, there are so many things that you keep thinking about. Self-doubt, uncertainty, unknown future, sadness at leaving behind things, hope of a better future, indecision of what to leave behind and what to take, belief in self...all feelings, emotions are in a turmoil. The road is strewn with questions that seemingly don't have any answer.

There are people to support you, all family members, friends. But when you walk along that path, you are alone.

One question keeps coming to your mind constantly...is it all worth it?

Responsible

When things do not work, I realise I am responsible for them. When I screw up things, I know I am responsible.

But when people don't behave well with me for no apparent reason, but just that I exist...even then am I responsible?

My one action can bring about so many changes. It has changed so many people, it has perhaps broken so many hearts...severed so many relations. Is it after all worth it? More than that...I shall always have this constant gnawing at my heart that it's all my doing.

But what really is the issue? I don't know. I cannot fathom. I cannot understand why it is so difficult to make the other person feel comfortable and loved in a group. I cannot understand why some have not bothered to include me in. Why do some people still prefer a ghetto? What's so disgusting, so bad about me that I get alienated?

Why do I not get enough power, recognition, freedom to do things? Why is everything so unhealthy? What have I done after all? I cannot understand. I cannot make head or tail of some situations.

But in all this, I do feel responsible for making a mess. Or perhaps starting a mess. It's going to be one scar, one guilty feeling that won't be ridden off.

Crappy Day With A Wet End

Started my day today with a fight. Went to office in a rage. Got late. Was stuck in traffic. Got late. Attended a stupid presentation. Did some work. Was irritated the whole day for unnecessary reasons. Got irritated with a colleague and did not even apologise. Started back from work. Found car was not working. Took rickshaw. Reached destination. Heavy downpour had started. Travelled back to office in the rains. Car still not working. Waited at office for some time for rains to stop. They didn't (of course!) Took a rickshaw till the bus stop. No bus was stopping at the right place. Had to walk to get a bus. Finally got the bus. Got down and walked back home.

End result: Dead tired and feeling all the more crappy!

That's life!

I'm Changing

I know I'm changing.

Earlier, things affected me in a different way. Now too they affect me. But my reactions are different.

Earlier, I used to get very, very angry. Now too, I do get angry. But I do not explode as much as I did before.

Earlier, I used to feel each and every small thing was wrong. Now too I feel that. But I have stopped worrying too much about it.

Earlier, I used to be sad about people's wrong behaviour towards me. Now, I know people behave wrongly towards me. But I have stopped caring. I just say...whatever, shrug my shoulders and move on. Now I say, whatever you want, you can do. I don't care. I know what I am doing is right.

Earlier, it was difficult for me to keep quiet when people behaved wrongly, took disadvantage of me, spoke wrong things about me, never cared for me. Now I know people do all those things. But now I have stopped caring. I ignore them. I just don't say out all things. I keep quiet to avoid controversies.

It's been difficult. Damn difficult. I still get those bouts of extreme anger, unhappiness, frustration, loneliness. But I have started learning to handle it.

I guess, I am really growing up.

Things Won't Change

How much ever I try, how much ever I myself change, things won't change.

People won't change. They'll expect the same things over and over from me. They'll expect that I do whatever they feel is correct. Yet, they won't see my point of view. Moreover, in spite of me doing things that are supposed to be done, I am blamed for not doing them. Forgive the ambiguity, but I cannot be clearer than this in this post.

When it's time to work, time for efforts, I am remembered. But when it is time for fun, for exchanging information, I am conveniently forgotten. I am accused of not interacting well with others. I am accused of not consulting others when taking decisions! Ohh thank you very much! It's as if I do not have an existence of my own and that I should be asking permissions forever about each and every small thing. Am I a kid?

I am never consulted when things are decided directly! Then why now? Ohhh...of course! I don't do my duty towards them. When you expect me to do something, do you realise that I do not get the opportunity to do that? I won't be able to do anything if people don't want me to. What's the point in blaming me then?

Self-centered, hypocrites all are. Double-standard folks. They'll behave in one way when it's convenient, and another way when that's convenient. Then of course, blame me for every thing wrong in the world.

It's so easy to just dishonour me before everyone. Really good for their image. It helps to show how good they are, and how useless and inconsiderate I am.

I am really tired of exerting myself to make things better. Things will never be better because others will never take the efforts, nor will they appreciate my efforts.

What's the solution to this? Nothing that I have found. Just keep on saying Fine! Life is absolutely fine!!!