Aboard

A ship tossing on the ocean...! She has no destination, no purpose, no control. She moves at the sea's will. One wave pushes it to the shore while another one pushes it out to the sea. There is absolutely nothing that the ship herself can do. She has no control on its present and future. She keeps bobbing up and down as waves lash against her.

On cheerful, lovely, sunny days, she keeps on moving on the vastness of the sea. Chilly winter days do not affect her because she is supposed not to feel anything. The sunrise and sunset make her feel nothing.

She goes where the sea wants her to without knowing where and when. She never knows if she will ever reach a shore and if she does, hardly knows if that's her destination. Up and down she goes without control. As much as she might want to do something, she can't. Because she is not her own master.

She just wishes that someone reaches out to her and helps her control herself. She hopes this happens before she is completely shattered and tattered.

Impressions And Influences

There are some folks in your life that make a profound difference to you. Here are some of the folks who have affected me in some way or the other.

I am not going to name them, but will use their initials. There are a number of reasons for not using their names. I want to keep their names a secret. There will be a kind of mystery to their identity, which will be interesting. Not all about whom I have written may read this and will never come to know that I have included them here. If any one them reads this, and recognises herself or himself, I don't want her or him to feel obliged to thank me or to curse me for whatever I may feel about them. Nor do I want to make them feel embarrassed. I've noted these folks in whichever order, without any reference to their importance to me or influence too.

I'll probably keep this as a running list and update it frequently. Because people themselves change so much that there is something new to learn and write about them all the time.


So here it goes:

MK: Intelligent, smart, and strong. Ready to take on the world on her own terms. She leads life to make a difference and succeeds too. In recent years, her roles have changed and I have been amazed to see the change in her. She is a wonderful lady. We have had our fights and misunderstandings. But it's all forgotten now. I admire her and just as she has been there to support me, I shall always be there to support her whenever she needs me.

AK: This guy has been there always and supported me. Initially, I wasn't too inclined to be good to him. But gradually I learnt that he is a wonderful guy and caring too. I believe in him a lot and know that he will be there to help me if I am in trouble. Our long discussions on all kinds of subjects, discussions on books, movies and computers are what I cherish always.

AK: The youngest addition to this group. I learn new things when I am with him. And it increases my patience too. Feels wonderful to know that someone thinks of you frequently.

RR: A very, very sensitive girl. Her heart's in the right place, though. She is choosy at times and jumpy. Sometimes I just can't understand her point of view. Nevertheless, I respect her views, though I may not agree. She has been one of my biggest support. She can't always know what's right and what's not. And her professional life is always giving her trouble. Yet she goes on with everything with a brave heart. She has been with me during most of my troubled times. I wish her all the luck!

SN: A down-to-earth, nice girl. Keeps a cool mind and a steady heart. We agree on a lot of points and believe in a lot of things together. Yet, there is something which is quite distinctive about her. I have found her to be a bit not-so-serious about things. She won't take as much efforts as required. Ultimately, her priorities have changed. Yet, at one point we still care about each other. I wish she was more frequently in touch.

AK: This is a whimsical, interesting guy. And a complete puzzle to me. But he is sweet, helpful, and has the "I-am-a-guy-and-should-ideally-protect-you" attitude, which I find very funny. And he will show that in even the smallest ways. While interacting with him, I am most of the times speechless. That's because I can't figure out what to say. Very discomforting.

KA: This is an interesting guy. Cynical a lot of times. But has clear thoughts about finance and career. We share a strange camaraderie. We got on the right note in a strange manner. But we hit it on quite well. We have had a lot of discussions and probably fights too. Yet, he's one of the nicest guys I've met. We have had our differences and were not talking for some time. But I am glad that we are on talking terms again. I only wish I get some questions answered from him. But that could be a far-fetched hope. Be that as it may, I wish him nothing but the best.

BH: A close friend who is now long-distant. But even now, we talk a lot. We've had some pretty discussions on a lot of things. He helps me think over some things, praises me a bit too much, and supports my decisions. Thank you for being there.

SD: One of my newest friend and also one of the closest. We have been friends since only some 8-9 months. But we do feel as if we have known each other for a long time. I cherish the wonderful discussions we have over coffee and wada-paav. It's amazing how comfortable we are with each other. We share a lot of things with each other like how I feel about some of my relatives and why I feel so. And he always comforts me when I am distressed because of work or because of other personal problems. Thanks!

RV: Extremely pampered and lazy. Seriously! He has got whatever he wanted at the beck of his call. Yet, he will find some or the other thing to complain about. And he is great talker. He loves talking and does most of the talking when we are together. But he does have a very kind heart. Very sensitive too. When he likes people, he is ready to do anything and everything for them. And I am fortunate enough to be in his good books. He is very good at his work and is ready for hardwork there. Otherwise he is quite the lazy guy. At times he is damn moody and you may not know how to behave with him. Most other times, he is good and makes you laugh with his funny incidents. But he is a big man with a big heart and that's something.

There are also some other people who are worth mentioning, but I really don't have a lot to write about. These are AB, SB, JD, SS, VP, VN, SA, PS, SK, SP, AK, SM. And don't worry, I know whose initials all these are. Won't confuse them. Here's a big thanks to all of these too.

Unknown And Spooky

Ever met a person whom you cannot figure out at all? I know of one. Every time I interact with that person, I learn new things. When I talk to that person, I get lost. I cannot know whether what was said at that moment  is true or if I misunderstood something.

How is it that a person is so mysterious that you can't decipher him/her at all? I can't realise when things are serious or whether everything is just for fun...just not serious! It is weird. I have never felt so lost about any other person. It is quite disconcerting.

Usually, I am pretty good at understanding people. Perhaps, I may not understand a person completely at the first go. But my first impressions are generally correct or at least in the right direction. But with this particular person, I am thrown completely off track. I also feel that whatever h/she tells me, h/she must be behaving completely opposite to that in real life. For every new day, every new situation, h/she must be behaving differently and in contrary ways. There are so many facades that the real face can never be seen. Or perhaps I can never discover the real face.

I guess, that's how people are. Perhaps, I am being too arrogant when I say that I understand others well. I suppose it is just one part of my friend/colleague/relative that is shown to me that I understand perfectly. The one that is unknown to me might be completely different and perhaps spooky.

That might be with me too. I might be behaving differently with different people. The face that I show before people might be different from my other face, the hidden one. And the hidden one could be dangerous. Who knows! We now embark upon the unknown and spooky! One from which there will hardly be any discoveries! Spooky again!

Walk When You Want

Just today, I went for a walk to our local garden. I went a bit late, around 8.45 in the morning! It was very pleasant in the garden. It is a small one with a jogging track, some play area for kids, benches for people to sit, some steps and lawns, and an area where you can exercise.

As I took rounds in the park, I saw some kids playing on the swings. They were happily enjoying themselves without a thought to the world. And their grandparents were sitting close-by chatting with their friends but with an eye on their wards. Suddenly all grandparents started a chant of "Hari Om" loudly. It was very surprising and funny too. I mean, how and when must they have come up with such an idea of chanting "Hari Om" loudly? Didn't they realise that it might sound funny? And what's the use of chanting it out aloud? I mean, how does it help them except gaining attention from the walkers?

There were some Ajjis and Ajobas walking and exercising. One Ajoba was exercising so hard, he was giving all youngsters a run for their money. While I took rounds walking, he was fast-walking with these huge steps and huffing and puffing. He glared at me every time I crossed him while walking. When I finally stopped, he started again with his second round of walking. I was quite frightened for his health. I mean, he really seemed in excellent health. But c'mon, he looked as if he had already crossed 70. Why do you want to over-exert yourself? But of course, he would know better.

This garden has two parts, kind of. One is completely obscured by buildings on one side and a road on the other side. You can get to this part of the garden only after you have crossed the first part. The first part too has the road on one side. But the other side is not completely obscured by buildings and so the sun streams in from the east in the mornings. It is at one particular point where there are two benches to sit, which unfortunately are most of the times in the sun. As I walked, I could see those two benches empty almost all the times, unless someone wanted to get some Vitamin D. The lonely benches sat opposite each other always expectant of visitors and always forlorn.

I completed my rounds and sat in the shade feeling extremely pleased with myself for having actually exercised (though very little) after a long time. The birds were singing, butterflies fluttering around, squirrels scampering around in search of food. I picked up a peepal leaf to remind me of this day. I intend to keep that leaf safe in a nice book.

With a sunny face and happy thoughts, I walked out of the garden. All's well with the world! Life's good!

Quiet Times

There is nothing like a nice cup of coffee and a leisurely talk with your favourite people at midnight! That's what I had yesterday. It was awesome. I visited my sister yesterday and she made cold coffee. It was raining outside and Jijaji, my sister, and I were sipping on our coffees, sitting in the terrace, and discussing on all kinds of subjects. I really feel lucky to get to enjoy such times!

Feels out of this world! Just to enjoy these small things in life is being blessed again and again. On top of that, if it is with people with whom you are most comfortable, then it's the icing on the cake.

Have you ever enjoyed such small joys and in retrospect ever felt thankful that you could do what you did? If you haven't you should really do that. Like sending a greeting card on someone's birthday, or getting a book or any other small thing that you had wanted for a long time...it is just this feeling that you get...that everything is right with the world.

It's Coming, Slowly

The time's coming slowly when I say farewell to one part of my life. I still am anxious and uncertain. But I have taken the decision.

It is strange to feel that after just 5 days, I will never come back here and chat with friends, work, check mails, have fun, get all tense because of work, (blame others for my mistakes,) work harder, not get the dues and still work harder, learn to know each and everyone of the team, and mostly just be here. It has been so much part of my life. Especially since the last one and half years. I have had no life outside here. It is unnerving, the time I have spent here.

As I clean my desktop, it is with a heavy heart that I realize that I shall miss being here and doing all this!

Support System

I have absolutely no doubt that each one of you must have felt this...more wronged than doing wrong. I have felt that so many times. Each time I get a blow from a "close" person, I always think, why me? What should I have done more to get unconditional support from that person? I can count all those times that I have been let down. Each time that happens, I tend to feel sour and dejected.

It is weird that we take so many things for granted. And one of them is that unreserved backup from our folks. That's where we fall flat on our face. I mean, really, when you give them your whole-hearted support and help, you really can't suppose that you will get back the same! They aren't a mirror, you know!

There's this nice film called 27 Dresses in which Katherine Heigl plays the role of a perpetual bridesmaid. She keeps on ploughing through life in the hope that one day she will get in return what she has been giving out to everyone. Eventually, after all trials and tribulations, she indeed gets what she wants. And she was also whole-heartedly supported by her family as well as all her friends for whom she had been a bridesmaid. Now that's of course downright optimistic. You cannot always have that luck!

Yet, life never gets dull. You get to know all such people and do some good for them. You will sacrifice a valuable thing to help that person. Does sacrifice count? I don't believe so. Once you sacrifice something, it never comes back. It is lost forever. And then when you do not get back something for that little sacrifice, it is lost one more time. You lament about how people change, how they do not help when you really need them. That's when you lose it a third time. Finally, you just console yourself saying that you should keep on doing stuff irrespective of whether that person reciprocates. That's when you lose the essence of the sacrifice for the fourth and final time. It's lost completely and takes away with it your belief in goodness.

You are back to square one, starting things anew. Starting a new order, ready to get disappointed again.

Out Of Book Ramblings

Have you ever felt that your life is happening right out of a book? I feel that sometimes. Sometimes I remember what things have happened with a character and realize that just those things are happening with me. It is downright spooky!

Something happens with you that's just like in a book you recently read. Then you recall what other things have happened with that character and wonder whether those will happen with you too. You are in an "in-between" world. Neither here, nor there. I mean, you are real, leading a real life. But you are also there, in that world, the world of that book. Kind of in a trance. Very weird.

If a single incident is similar to that in a book, you try finding out similar characters, similar situations, and perhaps similar feelings too. Or may be, you try to gauge what your feelings are at the moment the real thing is happening against what you thought about that incident when you were reading the book.

For example, you have read a book in which the protagonist had the misfortune of losing a family member. When a similar situation arises in your life, you are very much involved in the scene before you. But you are also watching the scene unfurl before you from a third person perspective. You would compare how you felt when you read that incident in the book. Perhaps, it is the difference of a third person perspective and a fourth person perspective. When reading a book, you are mildly aware that it is just that...a book. Things happening with the protagonist are just fictional. You are looking at things from a transparent fourth wall. You would probably 'know' that you should feel the sadness rather than actually feel it. But when you are looking at the actual incident in your life, you can feel the sadness. But you also take in all the other things happening around you at that time.

You notice your relative, peaceful in death. All other relatives respecting death and murmuring in low voices. Some discussing the plans for the funeral. Others remembering the once-living beloved. And the kids not sure how to behave with such a tragedy before them. Children looking at the dead relative and wondering how they should react. Should they cry, just watch, avoid the scene and sneak away to an unknown place, console their parents, yet not knowing if they would appear too grown-up if they consoled them, or just laugh out and stay unaffected. And you can see the elderly people looking at the dead thinking when their turn would be. You can see them thinking of that unknown time when they would be lying there, still and untroubled. The shadow of a controlled fear, a fear of the unknown.

And in the midst of all this you remember the poor protagonist in the book and think whether s/he felt the same thing in such a situation. You then ascribe your own thoughts to the protagonist and believe that life is rather frightening to present you with the same situations that were there in the book. An eerie feeling of déjà vu sets in.

But if you are in a happy situation, I doubt if you would remember about a similar situation in a book. What about a neutral situation, neither happy, nor sad, somewhere in between? Just an anxious situation, which makes you think about what you are doing at that moment. You might think how similar it is to a situation in a book. You then are all anticipation of what will happen next.

That's when you realise, life is too good to be true. After all, life takes inspiration from books!