Letting Go Is Difficult

Of many things that I find difficult, letting go contends for the top three positions. For me, it has always been hard to forget and even harder to forgive. I have always been proud of taking care of others' feelings, not hurting them. I always think, how would I feel if I behave in a certain (incorrect) way with others. That guides me to not do something that might be hurtful for the other.

I haven't always been successful in this. But whenever I have gone wrong, I have been quick to accept my mistakes and learn from them. Learn, not to repeat them. And accept my mistakes before the person against whom I committed it. That's probably when a catharsis occurs. Helps me purge myself of the guilt. Helps me become a better person.

But when such mistakes, such callous behaviour occurs from the other side towards me, I cannot vouch for my scorpionic anger. It flares up and starts lashing out in whatever way possible, be it through speech or action. When I am hurt because of no fault of mine, I cannot comprehend the fact that I need to be balanced in my reaction. It's more because most of the times, I wouldn't have done such a thing myself. I would have taken care to behave appropriately in that situation.

I don't have double standards of behaviour. I hardly ever behave in one way with a person and in another with a person of the same level. But when I get such an imbalanced treatment, when I am considered a mere midget even when I have taken all efforts, I get doubly angry.

I hardly forget such episodes and they get etched in my memory. I perhaps give them air by revisiting them and chaffing them.

That's where I am changing. I have slowly started ignoring such things. I have started letting go of the feeling of misuse, abuse, or whatever you call it, the feeling of being left out, the feeling of no importance. It has been hard, very hard indeed. It has required tremendous self-restrain and patience. But I am learning it surely.

It's helped me overcome some of the anger in me. It has helped me calm down. It has helped me realise the futility of it all. And most important of all, it has helped me regain my righteousness. Others may behave in whatever way they want. I won't stoop to that low. But yes, don't expect me to come back to you and be friends with you.

I won't forget, I won't forgive. But I won't let such things disturb me too.

Lessons from Life!